The Calm Before and After the Storm
Is it ever really calm though?
I’ve been struggling to get anything out these days! I’ve been struggling to do anything considered even remotely productive. I started an essay that was like my “year in review,” and in typical me fashion, I abandoned it to start fresh. (And then started about three more different pieces! Ha!) I had typed in some reminders for things that happened throughout the year - things like: I started wearing a bra again, submitted a manuscript, published a book, Nerdspeak (my favorite brewery) closed, Pinot, my little rat terrier, had her last and final litter of puppies, and Sinead passed… and I wrote a few paragraphs about Nerdspeak closing. My heart hurts. Nerdspeak was a large part of my year last year. I was super hyperfocused on breweries and the brewery industry here. Obviously, because I published/co-wrote a book on the brewing industry in the Quad Cities. They are all near and dear to my heart.
Last year around this time (or shortly before), I was last minute writing most of my sections for the Quad Cities Beer book! Our deadline was January 15th. We got it submitted on the 15th! I finished writing my sections on the 7th, and had the whole book edited, aside from my co-writer’s last section, by the 12th.
It looks like this year, I’m going to spend some time writing like a madwoman again! I got contracted to write some business profiles for a special section in the local newspaper. It’s an ungodly quick turnaround at this point, and to be honest, I have so much anxiety about it that I’m regretting agreeing to do it. Then, I’m signed up to write articles on area nurses for a special issue in May. I did this special issue last year. That was also a quick turn-around issue that kept me busy as hell for about two weeks. These assignments definitely put me on the right track for focusing on my writing more this year.
I don’t make resolutions. I’m not doing dry January. It’s cold and stupid outside. I spent the better part of the past two weeks in “anxiety over the weather” land. People were cleaning out the grocery stores like it was the 2020 shutdown all over again.
I blame myself. So much of December was decent weather in the 30s-50s. It was brown and ugly and I loved it. I distinctly remember saying, “If it’s like this all winter, that would be awesome. I could handle it.” I followed that with, “I really hope we don’t get hammered in January.” Welp. We did. And I’m so completely unhappy about it. Not only did we get hammered with two snowstorms (one like 10” and another with 14” on top of that), but just after the second snowstorm, the temperatures dipped below zero with dangerous wind chills down to the -40s.
Between the emotional (anxiety, worry, waiting for the schools to cancel, thinking about why I didn’t buy any winter accessories [gloves!] for myself or the kids this year [probably because last year didn’t really require any of those things]) and the physical toll (my body is still sore from shoveling! Yes, I have teenage boys, but don’t have winter gear for them) the weather and everything related has taken on me, I’m so utterly and completely exhausted!! I spent days stuck inside and wanting to go out, but once I had the driveway shoveled and the main roads were OK, I wanted to do nothing but stay home.
I’ve also been plugging away on a piece about music and friends that has grown rather large and somewhat triggering. And it just keeps growing. I was very focused on it and hoped to get it done and sent out ASAP. I thought it might take a couple of hours to write. I underestimate everything. I may end up splitting it into two parts. More than anything, writing it has made me wish I didn’t have so many important priority things to do at any given moment, and that I could just sit and write all day and somehow make a decent living with it. Hahahaha! Unfortunately, in order to make a decent living by writing, I would likely have to do a lot of writing for other people, and/or be able to sell myself, and do that whole hustle thing, which are things that I struggle with on the daily. It makes me tired just thinking about the possibility of doing such.
A few months ago, when I was discussing college with my oldest, he said the best thing. I assumed he would go to college for something to do with computers, such as coding for games or programs. But, he said that he wasn’t sure he really wanted to write computer games or programs for other people. He felt that would take something from what he enjoyed about doing these things for himself and for his friends. He didn’t think he would like it as a job. I can really understand that. As much as I LOVE writing, it becomes a struggle when I’m tasked to write something for someone else. But, I am going to try really hard to dedicate more time to writing this year in whatever form that takes!
I also plan on dedicating more time to reading! I have so many books on my “to read asafp” list! Also, I have been reading a ton of wonderful substack newsletters! My list has grown so much over the past year. There are so many great writers on this platform! There are many days when I spend too much time reading newsletters. Hahaha!
I found a new therapist since my last one left in mid-November. I’ve lost track of what number this is. As I was on my way up the elevator for my first appointment with my new therapist, I was thinking about the fact that I had lost two therapists who took maternity leave and decided not to come back. I laughed when I saw my new therapist, who was obviously pregnant. Before I sat on her couch, I asked her if she was returning after maternity leave. She assured me that she was, so we will see. There is such a high turnover rate in the world of therapy. I like her so far. She was a social worker prior to going back to school to become a licensed therapist, and says that therapy is her true passion. I appreciate people who are passionate about what they do. Hopefully, she retains that passion for a while.
Where my binging has been…
I finished season 5 of Fargo, which was of course a bit triggering, but so good. I think season 5 is my favorite. Juno Temple is just an absolute delight. I loved her in Ted Lasso. It was good to see Jennifer Jason Lee and David Foley. Jon Hamm is quickly becoming someone you love to hate after his role in The Morning Show and now Fargo.
I started True Detective on Max after seeing ads that Jodie Foster is in the new season. This one is a lot like Fargo in the fact that it’s generally a murder mystery, and the seasons are stand-alone. Though Fargo has something that connects all of the seasons (location, but also different character connections through the seasons), True Detective does not have any of those connections that I’ve seen so far.
Season 1 was fantastic. Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson are top notch. The story goes back and forth in time, and both of them seamlessly portray their characters in different times. All of the acting is top notch in Season 1.
I finished Season 2 a few days ago, and it was good, the actors we know who are in the show do a fantastic job: Vince Vaughn, Rachel McAdams, and Colin Farrell. The secondary actors are not great. It takes a bit to get past the poor acting from some of them.
I watched the first few episodes of Season 3, and it is back to Season 1 level of all around great acting. Mahershala Ali (Moonlight1) and Stephen Dorff are fantastic. While I know that I don’t have to watch the seasons in order, and I certainly could have just jumped in with Season 4, I like to watch previous seasons first to see where the show has been.
I probably need to find a good comedy series to watch soon, as I am not sure that detective and crime stories do much to elevate my mood hahaha! If you have any good recommendations, throw them down in the comments!
This has been a bit meandering and all over the place, but I wanted to write something less taxing and triggering as an update of sorts since it’s been a while. Look for the piece on Friends and Music which I hope to be sending out by the end of the week (at least the first part if I break it into two).
Until then - stay warm!
~~Kristin
Agreed, making a living from writing does often mean hustling, pitching, and ultimately writing for others. It can also teach you how to write with consistency, and train you into a regular practice, though hopefully not at the expense of your passion. I hope you find a way to write more and find what you need from the craft.