Friends and Music Part 1
The two things I'm looking forward to more of in 2024!
Last Sunday, as I was mixing up the cheesy potatoes to put in the crock-pot for a potluck at a local brewery, with the best group of friends ever, to celebrate one of their birthdays, I was thinking about the role music played in our friendship.
We started meeting up at a local brewery almost two years ago now. It happened pretty organically. One friend posted on Facebook that he was there and invited people to come hang out and have a Bloody Mary. A few friends saw the post and went. The next Sunday, those friends and a couple of others met up for Bloody Marys. The third week, texts went out, and someone had named it Sunday Bloody Mary Sunday (SBMS) [after the U2 song, Sunday Bloody Sunday]. The funny thing is that the brewery calls it Sabbath Bloody Mary Sunday because they play all Black Sabbath all day (some of us just tune that out hahaha).
My entire group of friends initially came together over music genre. We all went to a teen nightclub in the late 80s (when we were in high school) and were into new wave and punk music (alternative would be the current term for the genre). Only a couple of us were in the same friend circle (most were organized by high school or city with some overlap), but all of our circles overlapped in some ways, and we all knew each other, if only by name or face. Most of us ran in at least two friend circles and attended the same venues and events. We were the outcasts, the freaks, and what later generations would call “Goths.” During our time, we were called “Cornchips.” It was a very local/regional term that there are a couple of different origin stories for. One of the most prominent being we were called that because of the way we danced: it looked like we were stomping on corn chips. There is some video evidence of the teenage dance club in existence!
Don’t let the video fool you. Filming for a national dance show meant that mostly everyone was dancing for every song because who didn’t want to be on TV? There were typically a few people who would dance to everything, but the dancefloor would change in composition according to the genre of music that was playing. The hair metal fans would jump up the second a Bon Jovi song came on, and the hip-hop, top 40, and alternative fans would vacate the dancefloor. You could tell the music genre of each table of teens as you went around the club by the hairstyles and clothes.
I can’t speak for my friends, but I know that personally, I just didn’t intermingle with people of other music genres. I especially didn’t date people who were not within my music genre. I am sure there were a couple here and there, but music was too important to me, and I wouldn’t have been caught dead listening to Bon Jovi. Never mind the fact that in 1984, I was completely obsessed and listened to them all the time. By my high school years (‘85-’88), I had become a major music snob, and solidly aligned with my chosen genre of new wave/punk. If you didn’t listen to my chosen genre of music, we had nothing in common. Music was my everything.
I didn’t just suddenly become a fan of music in high school. Music had always been my constant companion and best friend. I was left to my own devices a lot as a child, and one of my favorite things from an early age was playing my mom’s LPs. She had bought quite a few Disney soundtracks that she would play a lot - my favorite of those was Mary Poppins (1964). But, I also routinely played her Beatles, Eagles, Barry Manilow, Bee Gees, and whatever other albums she had. At age 3, my mom learned I could read due to my love of records. I was at a babysitter’s house, and she had a bigger record collection than my parents did. I took all of her albums out of their covers and sleeves. The babysitter was so upset with me, and when I told her that I could put them all back, she told me I wouldn’t be able to because I couldn’t read. When I successfully put them all back, she called my mom in awe of my ability to read, telling her how I put all of her records back into their respective inserts and sleeves.
I was gifted my first record player on my fifth birthday. It was a Holly Hobbie suitcase record player! The 45s I remember having: “Tin Man” by America, “Wildfire” by Michael Martin Murphy (I had to Google that one for sure), and the next year, “Rhinestone Cowboy” by Glen Campbell, and “Run, Joey, Run” (probably the absolute worst song ever!) by David Geddes (had to Google both of those last ones too). I specifically remember these 45s keeping me company while my parents had an “adult conversation” [divorce] in the other room, not understanding why I couldn’t be in there, but my two younger siblings were OK to run their cars and toys through the kitchen. They were too young to understand any of it, which was what my mom essentially told me.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about music and its role in my life because I’ve been reading an increasing number of music-related substacks lately. There are some really great ones out there. Last week, in the comment section of one of them that asks people what they are listening to weekly (On Repeat by Kevin Alexander ), I was reminded of “Tin Man” because someone commented they were listening to that song. And that is probably the only reason I didn’t have to look up that it was by America.
What really plunged me into reflections on music and its role in my life was the fact that at least three of these substack newsletters on music that I subscribe to were discussing and posting rankings of R.E.M. albums.
OK, what really had me thinking about R.E.M. (and hooked on) for the last few months of 2023 was the fact that The Bear had two of their songs, “Strange Currencies” and “Half a World Away,” played at such perfect and pivotal moments within the show. I swear, moments like those are the things that excite me most in life. I had, a couple of years ago, started an essay about this very thing - after hearing “Smalltown Boy” by Bronski Beat in Euphoria (Season 1: Episode 6), “Running Up That Hill” by Kate Bush in Stranger Things (Season 4), and then “Drink Before the War” by Sinead in the second season of Euphoria (Episode 4). These were songs that were favorites of mine when they were initially released. Hearing them in such perfect moments in these shows…I’m fairly certain that in each and every instance, I squealed seconds into the song.
But, also, in The Bear, there is a whole background conversation about The Replacements. I saw a substacker refer to it as “The Replacements Episode.” Because it is perfectly sandwiched by two songs from The Replacements. “Bastards of Young,” and “Can’t Hardly Wait.” I saw one of my music friends, a huge Replacements fan, at a New Year’s Eve party, and I asked if he had seen The Bear. Of course, he had! When I asked him if he remembered which episode had the background conversation about The Replacements, it took him all of a minute to find that information on his phone. Season 2: Episode 5. Mystery solved! I am still planning to rewatch both seasons. Aside from Reservation Dogs, The Bear was probably my favorite 2023 series.
I made a playlist immediately following The Bear's final episode of season 2. It ended with “Half a World Away,” but I will still majorly stuck on “Strange Currencies.” I only pay for one music streaming service (Amazon Music) - and just one stream, which I use with my Alexa Echo Show in the kitchen. So, in order to listen to these songs in the car, I made a Spotify playlist. And you know how it works if you are using the free version; you have to have a certain amount of songs on it; otherwise, it will just plug songs in there for you… I couldn’t just have a playlist with those two songs. Otherwise, I’m so obsessive that I absolutely would have. So, I just started remembering all of my favorite R.E.M. songs and Replacements songs. Then, of course, it pops up with recommended songs, so that’s how the 9-10 unrelated songs got in the middle of the playlist (ADHD!!). I love those songs, and several are on many playlists. LOL!! They shuffle in pretty nicely with all the R.E.M. and Replacements anyway. (Sidenote: I have added a TON of R.E.M. songs after going through their catalog over the past two weeks while thinking about ranking their albums! And I realize now, that some are duplicates because I wasn’t paying attention to whether it was remastered or not.)
Having several substack writers post their R.E.M. album rankings (either in newsletters or in the comments of the newsletters) was weirdly timely - I was still listening to this playlist on repeat in my car. It got me thinking about how I would go about ranking them myself. Initially, thinking about ranking them was giving me all kinds of anxiety. How does one go about ranking a discography? I imagined going through each album and first asking whether it was one I listened to from start to finish without skipping any tracks. Then maybe going through them and ticking off how many “favorite” songs I had on each album. I knew that Document would have to be high up on my list. Their Document tour was my first-ever concert on 10/31/1987. Sidenote: It still aggravates me to this day that my sister, who was four years younger than me, attended her first concert before me. My mom dropped her off to see The Outfield at the same venue I went to see R.E.M. at: Palmer Auditorium.
I would also have to rank Murmur and The Reckoning high because those were my first exposures to R.E.M. A friend turned me onto them. I remember that friend also copied his LP of The Reckoning for me on cassette - drawing out the cover art on a slip of paper as the insert. I would also have to rank Out of Time, Green, Fables of the Reconstruction, Automatic for the People, and Monster high up.
Thinking about the possibility of ranking these albums gave me huge anxiety! I felt like I really couldn’t do it. Do you know why? Each of these albums were like a best friend to me at different points in my life. Would you be able to rate your best friends like that?
Then, as I looked up their discography, I realized I had completely missed out on their last three albums, released in 2004, 2008, and 2011. I bought Up in 1998 but was disappointed in it, and I didn’t buy Reveal in 2001, even though I loved “Imitation of Life.” I was a poor college student (working on my MA then) and couldn’t risk that kind of purchase. I probably started dropping off the R.E.M. bandwagon at New Adventures in Hi-Fi. I know I purchased that one, but looking at the track list, there weren’t as many favorites on that one.
Not having listened to at least three albums in their discography, I realized that I really couldn’t rank them. I did go back and give Up another listen. I’m not sure why it didn’t appeal to me when it was released because it’s pretty good. But, just listening to each of the three I completely missed once or twice wouldn’t give me enough to rank them. Everything else from 1983-1994(6) I had listened to obsessively when they came out (or when I was first exposed to them somewhere around 1985 or 1986).
Then I started thinking about why it was that I didn’t even know they had released albums in 2004, 2008, and 2011.
Because I spent 2002-2018 married to someone with whom I was not musically aligned. We shared maybe 5-6 bands in common. Mostly hard rock alternative. Pearl Jam, Audioslave, White Stripes, System of a Down. Then there was also James Taylor and U2.
I was spoiled in many ways in my first marriage of 9 years (I think technically it was 10, but shhhh! 1993-2002). My first husband was from within my music genre, and we had been great friends in high school. I used to hang out at his house and listen to music a lot. He was best friends with the friend who drew the Murmur album artwork for the cassette he made me. There’s a whole Bizarre Love Triangle story there, but that’s not for today.
We shared a love for all things pop culture. We both loved movies - any and all. I worked in and managed a video store for a chunk of the years we were married. We both loved reading. We spent most of our time in bookstores or music stores. Pretty much all of our extra money went for CDs, VHS then DVDs, movies at the theatre, and books. We had our fingers on the pulse of everything pop culture. Towards the end of our marriage, we were cool old people (in our early 30s).
While we didn’t always agree on bands or music, we were both passionate about music and tolerated each other’s music. There was growth there, and we exposed each other to music. He exposed me to Sonic Youth, Guided by Voices, The Flaming Lips, and Morphine. Years before we got married, I think when he was stationed in California in the Navy, he sent me the best record ever. It was a compilation with a song by the Yeastie Girlz (Yeast Power)!
Short story long…
After that marriage ended, I severely underestimated everything about being in a relationship with someone you share entertainment tastes with. I was also pushing 35 and desperate to do the thing that our culture told me I should do: have children! So, I thought I was adult enough or mature enough to be in a relationship where those things didn’t matter as much.
It wouldn’t have been so bad had my second husband had ANY tolerance. But, he just could not tolerate ANYTHING that he didn’t like. He couldn’t stand Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, or the dudes from Jackass…he didn’t like watching MTV, VH1, or Friends…Granted, by that time, MTV was rarely showing music videos any longer, and that’s all I would have been there for, and Friends was in it’s last season.
In the early years of our relationship, if I were studying (working on my MA) and listening to music, he would come in and shut it right off. If he was gone and came home to me listening to music, he would immediately shut it off. Hindsight, the first time he did that was when I should have left. But, instead, I was trained to shut the music off just before he got home.
It was a challenge to finish my MA degree because he also had very little tolerance for my reading. I was an ENGLISH MAJOR. I couldn’t read on long road trips with him driving because I was supposed to talk to him and entertain him. I couldn’t read while he was watching TV because it was too distracting for him. I couldn’t read if it was too close to dinner time, or on Sunday because that was cleaning day. And Sunday cleaning day was a day of music while cleaning, BUT all his choice. And Bruce Springsteen’s Greatest Hits was in his heavy rotation. I don’t (or at least didn’t) HATE too many musicians or bands, but The Boss was high on my list of hatred. And now, due to spending the better part of sixteen years listening to almost exclusively classic rock, so much of it is on my list out of spite. I’m having to come to some terms with it, though, because of my children’s exposure to it at his house, and my desire to let them like what they like and be supportive of their likes. It’s hard, though.
Once I had my first child, and we had adopted his six-year-old niece (we also had my stepchild every other weekend), I put a ban on the Sunday cleaning days. Admittedly mostly because of the music. But, also because who really likes cleaning? Also, I wasn’t getting any breaks. Hindsight, I also should have sucked that up and continued with the Sunday cleaning day, as he always participated. Once we quit doing that, he quit doing any of the cleaning or housework.
There were so many things wrong with this relationship that I won’t go into here because I want to focus on the topic of music and pop culture! I stuck it out because that’s what everything in American culture and the way I was raised (all the fucking movies!) — as a girl/woman in the generation I was born in (GenX) and all of the previous generations of women before me said we were supposed to do - get married and have kids, and my time was running out!
Anyway, between all of that and having more children (for a total of four of my own, one adopted, and one step), I lost track of everything pop culture unless it was Disney related. However, I did end up companion reading the entire Twilight series with my adopted daughter when that came out (she was a teenager), and it was something she actually wanted to read. We had also moved to a rural, isolated northwestern Wisconsin town with a population of 96 when my firstborn was six months old. The music stations for car rides were extremely limited. No alternative station. AND our rural location had zero cable options aside from satellite, which was ungodly expensive, and I had heard from people that, basically, you would spend the entire winter cleaning off the dish so that you could even get reception. Thankfully, that was when a lot of networks started streaming their content on the internet, and there were a lot of sites where you could watch movies and TV shows. Our antenna only picked up PBS stations.
While I didn’t keep up with everything in film and television, he at least enjoyed some genres. I like pretty much all genres, so I didn’t miss out on science fiction, horror (unless it was the gory kind because he said those films were pornographic), or war films. We usually bought new DVDs every week at Walmart, so if it was really popular, and something he liked, or I could justify watching with kids, I didn’t miss it. I missed out on the smaller releases, independent films, dramas, romantic comedies, and such. When our adopted daughter got older, I would get things more out of his wheelhouse, stating that he didn’t have to watch it and that my daughter and I would like it.
I spent many of those years too busy in the trenches of parenting and managing a household, so I didn’t have much time to stop and miss the music. For most of those years, I was a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t have opportunities to go places by myself. For most of those years, we only had one operating vehicle. It was also so rural that we had to drive 35 miles to the nearest Walmart or 25 miles to the closest small grocery store a couple of towns over.
When Facebook gained momentum in 2008, most of the first people I searched for and friended were among my old high school music friends. A little while later, someone started a Facebook group for our beloved “corn chips,” and people started sharing their pics from the late 80s-early 90s.
Music started to seep back into my life when we moved from one rural, isolated area to another that wasn’t quite as isolated. We took joint teaching jobs in northern North Dakota in the fall of 2012. In most ways, it was very similar to rural northwestern Wisconsin, but the closest small town had a movie theatre.
This became a much larger piece than I had anticipated, so I'm breaking this one into at least two parts to spare you a day’s worth of reading at once. There’s so much more to the story, and so much more I want to say.
I will leave you with one of the songs that slipped in to start reviving my passion for music.
I too know the specific pain that is living with a man who doesn't like your music. The good news for us, is that we live in a tiny housebus so its not considered rude to put on earphones to listen to what we want to. Actually, its compulsory or we would have been divorced by now.
Kristin- Your friends look like a ton of fun. It helps that music and REM is in the mix. Sounds like a lot of good afternoons and evenings. Hope you're doing well, Kristin!