Dead Week Musings
And a celebration of the good things
Top notes:
I’m not short-winded by any means. If this email is too long, click “view entire message” at the end of the post. I’m determined to get a music post out within the next day or two also!
My whole year has been a complete and total shitshow. The past few have anyway. Things just always seem to get more busy and chaotic, and I just keep sinking with each year. Like, I don’t even know how I got here. And, I don’t know how to make it better. I’m always juggling about 20 things, and dropping the ball on 20 more.
As I was sitting in my therapist’s office the morning of Christmas Eve and giving her a rundown of all the insane shit that had gone on in the past couple of weeks - complete and total word vomit on my part - (my mom in and out of the hospital, the insanity of the red tape involved with Medicare1 (which led to her back in the ER and readmitted a week and a day after she was discharged), my middle sister having to take her live-in boyfriend to the ER, who was checked in for the week that my mom was out of the hospital with some overlap because he was discharged the day after my mom was admitted the second time…my mom back at the ER the day that one of our brothers was having hernia surgery (and the day I was picking up my college kid 3-1/2 hours away and trying to race another winter storm home {also after having much panic about my car and having it in two shops}), and my sister going between 3 different hospital rooms…my youngest sister and her family had just tested positive for Covid). Can I fit anymore parenthesis into a sentence?? (You betcha!). I found myself telling my therapist about the day I had to take my car in the week before all of that drama (I mean the week before wasn’t any less drama filled lol). (Honestly, it feels more like testing material for a comedy routine than it does therapy).
That morning (Thursday 12/11), my daughter had a sore throat (which she’d been complaining about for a couple of days). I called her in to school and told her I had an appointment to take my car in at 9. Then she said she was also nauseous. I was really thinking that she was maybe just feeling a lack of attention because I had been spending so much time either in the hospital with my mom, or at my mom’s house…but, I told her I would take her to the clinic once I was done at the car shop (overdue oil change and diagnostic since my check engine light had come on - and I’m not even going to go into any of that now because that is also a whole bunch of insanity lol) - at least then her school absence would be excused. Of course, minutes before I have to leave, she messages me from the bathroom saying she feels like she’s going to get sick.
And then she does.
And immediately, our Quaker Parrot, Benjamin, mimics it exactly! Spot on!!
🤣🤣😭😭🤣🤣😭🐦
☠️
I gave my therapist a good laugh. And a good indication of why people wouldn’t sit next to me at lunch in junior high 🤣 And then I told her how we taught this parrot to make fart noises with his beak, and through the training he picked up the phrase “Good Fart!” and will actually say it at appropriate times (whenever he hears a fart!).
I apologize for my cackling here, but I spent a lot of time trying to find a video of my parrot saying “good fart!” or coughing and couldn’t (I know I have one somewhere!). But, just now, I asked Alexa to play “Loud Bark” by Mannequin Pussy, and it came up with something not even close, but my youngest took the opportunity to ask Alexa to do a “loud fart.”
And since I had lightened the mood, it gave me the space to take a breath, think, and then tell her about the good things. The things that gave me light in this dark and stressful time! The things that had me squealing with joy! It’s so weird that my life seems to go like this so often! So many times, in the midst of the most trying and stressful shit, I’m blessed with the most amazing things! (Back in 2019, as I was packing kids up to take them to their dad’s for the night because the furnace wasn’t working, I got an email stating that I had won first place in a local writing contest!)
The first two blessings I received in the mail - on the same day no less!! And I’m pretty sure they were in my mailbox when I got home from the clinic with my daughter (she tested negative for all the things, but the good doctor signed her excuse covering Friday as well). The days are all so blurry for me at this point.
I had completely forgotten that Abby Schleifer was offering to send people stuff, and I jumped on it because I super love her! And really wanted one of her zines! And OMG these were the most amazing zines and stickers (and the sweetest note too)!! Pure joy! Thank you so much for these Abby! This completely made my day! (Girl 100% with you on everything you say about While You were Sleeping!!)
The second package that day was a book I had won in a raffle from a writer I’ve been following for a long time, Lara Ehrlich! Her and her publicist Sophia drew my name at their hometown Irish pub on the Saturday after Thanksgiving! This also completely made my day! I’m so looking forward to reading this!
To have two treats in my mailbox on the same day (and such a shitty day to boot) was sooooo amazingly timely!
The next week was a major stressful one because my mom had follow up appointments. Her CO2 levels had built back up in her system, so she was dizzy, confused, and having trouble walking, and trouble doing all the things, so it took both my middle sister and I to take her to the appointments. I had my car at the VW dealership shop for two days.
Anyway, I’m talking about the good right now, so, getting back to that (lmao). I took a minute to check notifications on my phone after we got my mom all checked in for one of the appointments. Probably inappropriate as hell, but, I had a message from someone telling me I had won a drawing for an album I super super wanted, and I definitely let out a big squeal of joy in the silent waiting room (scaring my mom and sister) 🤣🤣🤣🤦🏻♀️ But, I was so overly surprised and happy in that moment! And, I’m totally psyched to be getting this album!
See, like on the most shittiest of days, crazy awesome things happen sometimes.
Then there are days that are solid greatness from start to finish. I can’t tell you how eternally grateful I am for the people in my life.
Saturday, I had a rescheduled ladies day with three of my best friends (we try to get together once a month - we scheduled 12/13, but there was a big winter storm that day, so we rescheduled for 12/20). I felt guilty af since my mom was still in the hospital (doing MUCH better!). But, I also needed a day with my ladies. One of the ladies had sent a poem into our group text in November:
Loud Women by Raquel Franco
LOUD WOMEN
have always been
my favorite women. On girls night
they carry the conversation in the lantern
of their mouths. Surrounded
by moths, greedy for her to serve
the tea. The “Oh, my gosh.
I have to tell you…” women.
Cackling women. Conductors of head back"
laughing fits. Cinematic women who usually"
don’t recognize how beautiful they are.
Can’t see the bright light others can’t take
their eyes off of. Loud women are
the best women. Unafraid to startle
the patriarchy by saying what she wants.
She’s also the first to say, “Let me get
that for you. Let me take care of you.
Let me hold you.”
They are the kind of women who
always make room.
Which prompted another one to say “Let’s all get tattoos that say “Be Loud”” and she offered that up as Christmas gifts to us from her. Best Christmas gift ever!
We had the best day. I had some guilt for not being with my mom or helping and leaving my middle sister and youngest brother (who came in to visit from Colorado) to deal with our mom, who ended up getting discharged that day (with a BiPap machine delivered that day!).
I ended up staying out super late. We did lunch, tattoos, garlic depth charges (see photo caption) and a couple of drinks at a local brewery, then darts and drinks at a local dive bar.
When I got home around 11:30pm, I grabbed the mail on the way in. There was a priority envelope, which initially I thought was probably junk mail because I wasn’t expecting anything. When I opened it up, there was another envelope with a Christmas card in it from my first husband’s mom! I had totally forgotten that he had texted me asking for my address one day when I was on my way to the hospital. I assumed he needed it for some paperwork or something. I meant to text him back to see why he was asking 😂. We still talk a lot, and I consider him to be one of my best friends (we separated in 2001 after nine years of marriage). And his mom was probably one of the biggest reasons I stayed with him as long as I did! Hahaha! I had just been thinking about all the Christmases we spent with his mom, and how special they were to me. She’s always been one of my most favorite people in the world! Not only did she send the greatest Christmas card, but she had written the sweetest note ever!! There was also money in the card! I cried -causing all my kids to run into the kitchen. She totally made my Christmas! 😭❤️🎄. Because of her, I was able to make Christmas a bit more special (or normal? Lol) for my kids. She gave me that boost I needed to get a Christmas tree up for the first time in about four years! Between her generous gift, kind words, and all of the other recent blessings, winnings, and all the love and support I have received from everyone this year…
I’m so beyond grateful and feel so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life.
I’m just hoping 2026 goes much better than 2025 did for me, and for everyone else that had a shitty 2025!
OMG Steve Goldberg (per our convo on my post a few weeks ago) the red tape is infuriating!! My mom absolutely needed to have a BiPap machine at home - all 3 of us sisters told everyone that at the hospital, they all agreed, but my mom got discharged without one… Her follow up at the Pulmonologist a week later - he said per Medicare’s rules, she either had to get one the day she was discharged, or wait two weeks from her discharge date! The other thing is that in order for Medicare to pay for one, she needed to have an arterial blood draw showing her CO2 level, not just the regular veinous draw…which the hospital did not do an arterial blood draw, just the veinous. So, she would have to wait two weeks from discharge before going to get the blood draw, then submit to insurance and wait for them to approve it 🙄 In the meantime she was just building CO2 back up in her system.
Your strength is admirable. I am not sure you realise most mortals would collapse with less than half of what you go through on a daily basis. The fact you can find humour and joy in the darkest of times speaks volumes of your courage and resilience. I am so glad you managed to do something nice for Christmas in the end, both with your friends and then with your children, and that your family seem to be on the mend. Wishing you all the very best for 2026. Sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes.
Hopefully, 2026 is kinder, gentler, and more peaceful for all of us (that pathetic person in the White House is already doing his best to prove otherwise, however).