Two Cents Tuesdays and Thursdays

It's all about the boundaries

Photo by Siora Photography on Unsplash

Today is Tuesday. Tuesday is therapy day and the first day of the week that my mom can “lecture” me. Thursday is the other day of the week my mom can tell me what I should do. I call this “Two Cents Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

One of the issues I’ve had throughout my life is setting boundaries. Boundaries are so hard! Especially for people-pleasers! Like I want to do things for everyone, and feel guilty if I have to say “no.” I don’t feel like I can say “no” unless I have a good reason for doing such.

When you go from having no boundaries to setting boundaries, all of those people who have taken advantage of you start having problems with you. All of a sudden, you are a bitch, or you are being difficult. Because you will no longer let others take advantage of your giving nature and suck your energy. Or because you will no longer do everything that they want you to do.

Boundaries are one of the things that I am continually working on during my therapy sessions. One of the hardest things to do with boundary setting is learning and normalizing the language that helps to establish them. This podcast was one that I felt was so incredibly helpful with learning some of the most effective language to use:

The “Two Cents Tuesdays and Thursdays” boundary with my mother was somewhat of an accident, and really started as more of a joke (but one of those jokes that was a mostly true one). That was before I started reading about and learning about establishing boundaries.

There was a time when (for certain reasons that I don’t really want to rehash at the moment) I felt like I had to cut my mother and siblings (and their significant others) out of my life. That was after a Father’s Day celebration with them, so seeing some of my Facebook memories from that time kind of dredged up those hurt feelings a bit and brought back how I set my first boundary. I had all of them blocked for about two months.

I did talk about the issue with one of my siblings (who I actually hadn’t blocked, but only because she had deleted her social media accounts), and while I don’t remember the conversations we had with much clarity, I’m certain that she was the one that helped me start to understand boundaries. She was also the one that encouraged me to make amends, but with contingencies (which was not something I had ever thought of). I never apologized because it was not me who was in the wrong, and I was never apologized to by anyone. Instead of any kind of apology - I was given excuses and/or justifications. I didn’t confront anyone, and I just returned to my family like nothing had ever happened (after a few conversations with my sister and mother). I unblocked and re-friended most of them again. There are a couple who have never accepted that friend request, but I try not to let it bother me. Those are the ones that I have minimal to do with anyway. I don’t like confrontations, and I don’t like to make waves. Honestly, the issue really wasn’t mentioned by anyone until this Christmas when my entire family blew up. That was a whole other situation that several of us are still quite hurt about and will probably carry for a long time. Nothing ever gets resolved in our family because our family is all about nonconfrontational behavior.

So, back to the time when I cut everyone out. Never mind that I was essentially alone before that event. I was super alone for those two months. I was a single mom of four young children (ages 6, 7, 9, and 11), all with diagnoses. I also couldn’t afford babysitters, and their dad only had every other weekend visitation. Because I had spent the previous sixteen years with someone who isolated me and didn’t allow me to have friendships, I only had two “friends.” One of those is a very close friend now. Back then, I hadn’t quite normalized having friends and was so busy with just living that we mostly messaged each other weekly. The other was a friend that I started having to establish boundaries with. She had problems with that, and we really don’t talk anymore (unless she needs something from me).

After the initial adjustment, a new feeling of peace presented itself and I was able to really look at things in a different light. The one thing I didn’t miss was my mother telling me what to do. At that time, I was forty-eight years old. Every texting conversation and in-person conversation we had was full of her telling me what I should do about this or that, how I should handle things, how I should discipline my children, or how I should rearrange my living room or kitchen. I know and acknowledge that she was only trying to help, and it was all out of love and trying to fix everything that I vented to her about. I vented and currently vent, not to get unsolicited advice, but to talk about the things that are bothering me or going on in my life because it’s part of how I process things. Unless I ask for advice, I am not looking to be told what to do. Knowing that she was only telling me what I should do out of a good place, I ignored it when I didn’t think it was helpful. She was a parent in a much different time. She was a parent of five (*for the most part*) neurotypical children who didn’t have many of the issues my children did. (*When I say for the most part - I mean, all of us have anxiety, some have depression, some have ADHD, and other issues - so a couple of us really are not neurotypical, but we masked it pretty well as children*)

Even though I brushed off and ignored the things I didn’t find helpful, it was still stressful to be constantly told these things. I laid down some ground rules when I re-established contact with my mother. I really don’t even remember what they were, and this one may have been one of them that I initially established, but then maybe it was the first time she interjected with what she thought I should do in a certain circumstance. I told her that she could only give me her two cents on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

It’s been a hard boundary for her (and myself), but she does try to respect that boundary (as do I try to uphold it). She will save a list of things she wants to tell me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sometimes, she will say or message, “I know it’s not Tuesday or Thursday…” and I will respond with, “Well then, you just need to wait until it is a Tuesday or Thursday!” I’m horrible at, and working on follow-through, so I do let her slide now and then.

I will say there have been many times that I have taken her advice. She does have some good ideas and some good advice sometimes. Sometimes her ideas have sparked me to a take off of it, or the start of something that has worked. So, it’s not that I don’t value her input. It was just too much to have it on the daily. These days, the boundary has done quite well. It’s been a five-year boundary at this point!

The biggest thing I need to work on is NOT finding myself at her house on Tuesdays and Thursdays!!! I don’t know why I do this to myself!! We will be talking, and she will say, “Well since it is Tuesday…” Hahahahaha!! I give her an opportunity to share more of her advice when I’m there in person, and she doesn’t have to type it all out in a text message! I need to start setting alarms on my phone to remember it’s a Tuesday or a Thursday before I stop by her house.

Today, since it’s a Tuesday, I’m headed off to a therapy session, and I am NOT stopping by my mom’s after this week!! Hahahaha. She knows I love her.