‘Tis the Season

For overwhelm

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Here it is, four days from Christmas Eve, and for the third year in a row, I do not have my tree out, or any decorations up. Crap, I think this actually may be the fourth year? Yes, I think it is. The last year I got Christmas stuff up was probably 2020. In 2021, I was in the midst of an awful custody battle. I was so depleted and in a horrible mental state. I also didn’t have a paycheck in December because the last class I taught that year ended in November, and I didn’t have another one starting until mid-January. I was not feeling Christmas. I drew a Christmas tree on a big piece of paper and wrapped their presents in sets of three white boxes with hats and scarves to look like snowmen.

The next year, 2022, I also had a class that ended in November without another one lined up until mid-January. My Subaru needed an oil change. It was also having issues, and the warranty was ending soon. I had been reading a popular newsletter that did a thing called mutual aid, where people who needed money could sign up, and people who had a little extra could donate. I got accepted as a recipient and was giddy af! I asked for $500. $100 for my oil change and inspection and $100 for each kid for Christmas gifts. I was going to get the tree out and decorated. I was feeling a bit of relief about Christmas. I also had a litter of puppies that were due to be weaned the week before Christmas. I had been in contact with a local pet store that said they would probably buy them, so that was going to help me make it through until I got my next paycheck at the end of January.

Then, it all became a disaster. The morning of my car appointment, one of the kids stepped on a puppy’s leg and broke it. The only thing remotely OK about this was that the break was in one of the best spots for healing…but that was a $200 bill with the X-ray and prescription for pain meds. I had to keep her isolated and from not moving a lot, so I also had to get a small kennel. I got her set up with it and off to the car appointment only to find out my car needed about $3000 of work, and only about half of it was covered under the warranty. And the warranty had a $500 deductible. I applied for one of those loans at the car repair shop and was thankfully approved. I did have to pay $50 up front to the loan company. I just did the repairs covered under warranty and was able to wait for the brakes and the other repairs (which were about 1/3 of the price elsewhere) until tax refund time.

The week before Christmas, when the puppies were sufficiently weaned, and the one’s leg was 90% healed after her follow up (with another X-ray and $175 bill), I called the pet store. My life, and my odds… they had just taken in a litter of almost identical breeds.

That year was probably the worst in terms of disasters. There was also major family drama that left me and my kids without anywhere to go to celebrate Christmas. As things happen, they all ended up sick anyway.

I don’t remember if there was a specific tipping point last year, but it was essentially the same financially as every other year. Plus my rent had been raised $200 starting December 1st. I had planned on getting Christmas out and up, but as November wore on and wore me down, I didn’t have it in me yet again.

The best part was that my oldest and I spent Christmas Eve with some of my best friends. It was a dad year for Christmas Eve, but my oldest had stopped going to his dad’s house just after Thanksgiving. We had a great time, and things ended up feeling pretty decent last year.

This year… my life has been a complete and total shit show. It actually went beyond the point of ridiculous. I think that the last week of October broke me. So, this week, a couple of days ago when I walked into the grocery store to get frozen pizza for dinner, and got this text message in the kids’ group text:

Screenshot of group text by the author ;)

I couldn’t even muster any anger. I held it together through the store, and then laughed and cried in the car.

I’m not asking anyone for any help this year for Christmas gifts for the kids. (I had decided that before the TV incident). Up until a couple of years ago, I’ve reached out to different organizations, and have received help from a variety of them. I didn’t do that in 2022 because I had received money from the mutual aid thing. Last year, a good friend gave me a huge bag of random things she had picked up throughout the year (for an anticipated gift exchange for her extended family that wasn’t going to happen) that was able to round out the small amount I was able to purchase.

This year, I decided that they are all old enough to understand. I stress myself out every year trying to make sure they have enough for Christmas. I spend everything - money, and what little energy I have, to do as much as I can. My sister gave me the idea of doing a homemade Christmas, and that’s what I’m doing. I spent a small amount on blank shirts and blank journals to personalize. I dug up parts of my yarn stash that are still good, and hunted up free crochet patterns to make them each a little stuffed character. I bought them each a pair of cheap pants - sweats for the boys and yoga pants for my daughter (all $10 or under). I bought each of them something for $10 or under - card games for the boys and a bracelet kit for my daughter. And that’s it. Actually, typing it all out - it seems like a sufficient amount of things. As of yesterday, I started feeling OKish about things. I mean, it’s forced, of course. And it’s all dependent on my managing to get the crafting part done. In all of my spare time. Hahahaha!!

The best was the text exchange with my oldest yesterday. I had been thinking about seeing if he wanted to go spend some money at the Dollar Tree to get his siblings something for Christmas. But, dude!! He’s so thoughtful!! He actually signed up for his own Amazon account (!!) and purchased gifts for everyone!! He only texted me about it because he needed a little help. He had received most of it, but two gifts had changed shipping to after he would be leaving campus, and he must have forgotten to put one in his cart - he was letting me know he was having something delivered here. I had him cancel and reorder the stuff to be delivered here that wouldn’t get to him before I pick him up (tomorrow!!!).

I love this kid and his sense of humor. He actually has me kind of excited for Christmas and the kids opening his gifts. One of his texts said that he only got 200 of the 400 ducks he ordered. Yes, ducks I did ask him to clarify. 100 for each person. The other 200 will be delivered here.

Honestly, I’m just going to feel good having him back home for a whole month. I miss him so much. A good friend told me (just two days before I moved him up to the dorm three hours away) that it never gets easier. I believe her. It hasn’t. But, I’m so proud of him. Tomorrow can’t get here soon enough!

This year, we will also have two parties to attend on Christmas Eve! One with family and one with my best friends/chosen family (who have, in so many ways, saved my life). Regardless of all the bad shit, I feel blessed and grateful for what I do have.

I leave you with what is still my favorite Christmas song!