The State of Mental Health
Or lack thereof...
I’ve been so far down for the past three or four weeks. I’ve barely been able to get off the couch. I’ve taken care of the kids of course, as that is something that I can never allow myself to not do, no matter how far down I am. It really sucks that I only have them every other week now. It’s also a blessing. Every other week, I can just blend into the couch and no one will know the difference.
Those weeks, I can barely muster the energy to even feed myself. One week I got several prepared “take and bake” meals from Hy-Vee. This week only one sounded marginally good. Things will sound good, and I will shop for the ingredients, but when it comes to the actual making of the things, I can’t. I end up eating chips and cheese, cheese and crackers, or easy mac because I can’t bring myself to do even the most minimal of things. I procrastinate eating until 3-4 pm. Until I feel sick or like I’m going to pass out since I haven’t eaten anything. I don’t know how I got here.
I can’t tell you how much food I’ve had to toss in the past several months. I do end up snacking on most of the grapes, and giving a lot to the parrots. Same with the sugar snap peas. Those can be eaten right out of the bag. I have started getting small bags of broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. If I can’t bring myself to eat them, I at least give them to the parrots daily. They have probably eaten better than I have this week. This week has been the worst. If there’s more than one step to do something, I just can’t.
The fact that I have four awesome children has been what has kept me operating at least minimal for a long time.
Earlier this week, I knew it was time to call my prescriber and talk about upping my meds or switching them.
One of the things I detest most in the world is phone calls.
The prescriber tells me at every visit (in person or virtual as has been the last year and a half) “don’t hesitate to call if you need a med adjustment.
I’ve been on antidepressants since January of 2016. I can’t say that any of them have made any significant difference. First I was on Prozac, then we upped that a few times. Then something similar, which I can’t remember now. We upped that a few times. I didn’t like that one because if I would forget two days in a row I would have horrible fuzzy brain shit going on. I weaned myself off of the antidepressants then because I felt they were behind my high blood pressure (had low blood pressure until I started anti-depressants…)… So, now I’ve been on Lexapro for a few years, and have gone through two dose increases… and here I am at almost rock bottom.
It seemed to keep me from rock bottom for a while.
Sometimes it’s hard to determine whether it’s the depression or all the fucked up shit I’ve been through.
I talked to my IHP provider this week, who has been helping me with paperwork for my daughter’s SSI application, and she said it sounded a lot like Burnout.
No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to feel refreshed and/or fine ever. But, I’ve also been on non-stop go or going through some bs or another for a few years now.
I will have to say that my prescriber has been working with me for at least 3 years. The first one I had I worked with for just over a year. So there hasn’t been a large turnover there.
Therapists, however… such a high turnover rate it’s ridiculous!
I started therapy in 2015. The first therapist I was seeing ended up leaving just as we were starting to make progress. I saw someone else in her office once, but I didn’t feel comfortable as we were both teaching adjunct at a local community college.
Then I started seeing my first ex’s stepmother who had just started a practice. I felt pretty comfortable because at least I wouldn’t have to explain family issues as she already knew about those. She was a substance abuse counselor and I assumed she would be good for any type of counseling.
She really didn’t understand what I was going through in my marriage. And my second ex really hated the fact that I was seeing her. He hated everything to do with my ex. He felt it was a huge conflict of interest for her to see me, and eventually, I ended up quitting because he made it too challenging to go.
A year or so later, I ended up seeing a counselor that was the director of the BHIS (behavioral health intervention service) program my children were involved in as she did counseling and had neurodivergent children.
After maybe six months of sessions, she went on maternity leave and never came back.
It took me a year or longer to hunt down another therapist because I hate phone calls…
So, I finally found someone I felt would be good. I met with her once and scheduled for two months later because her schedule was full. After our second meeting, she called to say she realized there was a conflict of interest and couldn’t see me any longer.
So, I drug my feet on finding someone new.
In the meantime, I enrolled my children with another BHIS program six months after we timed out of the first one.
I ended up choosing a therapist in the same group as the BHIS worker.
She went someplace else, but fortunately, they didn’t have one of those agreements where they can’t take clients when they leave… so I got to continue to see her. I’ve been seeing her for about a year and a half, but now she is going on maternity leave, so once again, I am on the hunt for a new therapist! It makes me incredibly unhappy to always seem to be in this position! I’m super happy for my therapist though! She would make an excellent mother and she is really a great therapist. I will miss her a ton!
So. Here I am. Between therapists. Again.
I had been meaning to call my prescriber for the past week or so to see about med changes.
My sister. God, I love her. Messaged me and asked how I was doing. When I told her honestly how I was doing, she said to call my prescriber immediately. I did. I had to leave a message. That was yesterday. I got no return call. So, today, I did, on my own, call again. Because I seriously need some help at this point. They apologized and said that they didn’t push my message through to the prescriber, but they would today, but I may not hear back until Monday. So, I did get a call back from her nurse today who said she won’t be back in the office until Monday, so we can’t make any changes until we speak to her. And she was going to see if she could get an earlier appointment for me.
My appointment was scheduled for January 7th. When the scheduler called back, the soonest she could get me in was January 4th. January 4th is the earliest appointment this prescriber has!
She tried to make things better by telling me that if I felt suicidal, I should go to the ER immediately. Thank you. Wow.
I laughed.
And again, thanked Jesus for my children.
I did do things for myself this week.
Even though my finances are a large part of my anxiety at the moment, I splurged on a tattoo as a belated birthday gift to myself. I’ve been telling myself every month that I would get a new tattoo… and then every month I haven’t had the money and have put it off… It’s beyond time for some real self-care!
Today, I spent a lot of the day snuggling with my birds.
I love these guys. Even if they poop on me. Same as kids… LOL
Here’s me running into my dad, and not saying “Hi” because I had on a mask with a dirty word! LOL
And my dog is in so much trouble. I bought a nice $3 body pouf for the shower… I had been to Walmart and really had to poop! So, when I got home, I dropped my bags and headed to the bathroom. When I came out, I could hear that Pinot had something and looked in the living room and here she was with my body pouf ALL OVER THE COUCH!! Like seriously she was like surrounded by body pouf as she was wrestling it! I was sooooo pissed!!
I did buy another body pouf at Walgreens, but I’m still pissed. This damn dog is sooo lucky she is soooo damn cute!!!!
Anyway, that’s my last couple of days.
I have an essay that I started a couple of weeks ago that I will maybe finish soon and send out as well, but… I’m still soooo exhausted!!!
Thank you,
Stay safe and healthy!
Love, Kristin