Shit Collection
Yes, it's about poop, so if you're squeamish: sorry, not sorry!
Some of you may know that once you get to be of a certain age, you start having to do a whole bunch of testing stuff… Thankfully, there have been some advances, and now, instead of going in for an all-out full-blown colonoscopy, you can now get a shit kit from a place that will evaluate your sample. If it’s fine, no need to go the whole uncomfortable route. If it comes back abnormal, bingo. You lose and have to do a colonoscopy.
I was marveling at the advance of technology and stuff with my mom. She was like, “Oh yeah. I have one of those kits. It’s been in the bathroom for a few months.” I laughed. Because that’s my mom. And apparently, that apple didn’t fall far from the tree. My kit had been in my linen closet for a few weeks.
We didn’t talk about it again until maybe 2 years later? I confessed that I had let my kit expire, had to get a new one, and that I had just gotten a call in June that the new one was about to expire. I grabbed it from the linen closet and checked the expiration date. Pffftttt. November. I had all the time in the world! I put it in the hallway as a reminder.
Not that I’m squeamish about shit at all. I’m a mom of four. I’ve touched and inspected my share of shit. I once told my mom I was teaching my oldest his colors using the poop in his diapers! LOL!! If he ate a lot of Trix yogurt it was green. Junior Mints and oreos made it pretty black! A lot of blue gatorade also made it green… Don’t even get me started on corn, blueberries, or oranges…
My youngest routinely had legos in his diapers… Every diaper change with that one was a mystery waiting to unfold. What had he eaten this time?
Once, when he was maybe 4? He managed to swallow two pennies! That one was a trip to the ER. X-Rays verified two pennies. Thankfully in a spot they would just come on through. So, we had a poop collection kit that we needed to use until he passed the pennies. That kid held onto those pennies for TWO WEEKS!!! (Yes, I saved them).
So, the first week of November, I managed to think about it. It had just become part of the hallway decor, and I happened to look at it right around the first of the month and remembered that it expired in November. It was November 5th. The expiration date was November 30th, but I had nothing else going on that day.
As I’m filing the little bucket attachment and trying hard not to pee in it… I decided I should read the instructions. Not sure why I didn’t read them first, well, I do know - because I had to go, and it was now or never! I had finally summoned it up to do that damn sample!! So, I just got right to it! As I’m reading… it says to be sure to do the sample when you can ship it within a day “and be sure to account for a Sunday or holiday.” DAMNIT!! Really?!?!?!?! It’s fucking Saturday. Why????
So, I dumped and rinsed and left it on the side of the bathtub to do on Monday. Or at least a day before Saturday, or Friday…
I succeeded in collecting the sample mid-week! I rejoiced in my newfound ability to do something ON TIME! I was super proud of myself! I also checked with a friend who works at the UPS store to be sure he wouldn’t be working when I had to bring my sample in.
I did my business, did all the stuff, sealed the package, and took it to the UPS store to drop it off! All in one day. Mid-week, no less!
All is good and great in my world until I get a call on my birthday: November 11th, from the company that processes the samples. Thank God he prefaced the conversation with, “I’m not calling with bad news!” Because what kind of shit would that be on a birthday? Pun absolutely intended.
He proceeds to tell me that while the kit was still fine, the DOCTORS ORDERS had expired. So, they had to discard my sample.
I legit said, “Do you know how much shit I went through to do that sample?!?!?!!?” He laughed; bless him. He then asked what the issue was.
“Um. I procrastinate!” Like, I didn’t really have an issue with shitting in a bucket thing. I just didn’t feel like I needed to put any rush on it. And I work best with deadlines. Like, give me a deadline, and I will procrastinate right up to it. You will get your shit sample ON the due date! I had no clue about the whole doctor’s orders and actual expiration date of the kit thing, so my fault. And maybe someone should have clearly stated the whole deal and not just, “your expiration date is coming soon.” Because the kit said 11/30/2022!!
Anyway, so I shit in a kit that had to be discarded. And now, I will have to shit in a new kit that will hopefully be looked at. When I get up the nerve to call my doctor’s office and ask them to request a third kit.
Yep. If you aren’t 50 yet, this is what you have to look forward to!
If you are 50 and they are itching to do a full-blown colonoscopy, be sure to ask for the kit.
My next essay is all about farts!! I bet you all can’t wait!!
Until then -
Love!
Kristin
I’m laughing because after having re-read this, I remembered that my initial hesitation to do the sample and send it in was because I was drinking a lot of red wine, which colored my poop! I was embarrassed to send in such a tainted sample Hahaha!! It turned into a rather lengthy red wine kick (I drink red during the cold months and white during the warm ones).
I also forgot to mention that my mother also let two kits expire. In her defense, her collection method was quite different and complicated. She was given a piece of paper to catch the poo in the toilet and a card to smear a sample onto... at least mine included a collection bowl. Neither of us have requested a third yet.