Panic at the drive-thru

I’m in the process of learning and owing up more to my panic and anxiety issues. Also, my agoraphobia.

I’m hoping that naming this shit gives me some power or control over it. I know that’s unlikely. But certainly making fun of it will help. Right?

I’m also in a full-blown panic about going to see a knock-off Depeche Mode band tonight at a local venue. I don’t want to go. But, I desperately want to go. But, I want to find some way to get out of going. But, I paid $23 for a ticket already thinking that would force me to go. I still don’t want to go. But, I know I will possibly have fun once I get there. As long as I’ve had enough alcohol to put the panic to sleep. If I were going alone, I would have already talked myself out of it, cut the $23 loss, and I would be presently beating myself up about bailing on something I really wanted to do, and spend the night wallowing in self-pity, drinking and binge-watching whatever is next on my binge list (finished my most recent binge last night). But I’m going. I’m intruding on a friend’s plans with another friend. I feel a bit slimy about throwing myself in there. I’m making myself a third wheel, and not sure whether all parties will be happy about it. She also asked how much I planned on drinking.

Inviting myself to join a couple of friends is still better than going it alone. I have to start getting ready in 40 minutes. I’ve been counting down the hours until I have to force myself to get ready, and likely talk myself through the entire process of getting ready, since I woke up. I also started counting down the hours of “socially acceptable time to start drinking” upon waking.

The plus side is that once I have been to this new venue, it will be slightly easier to go there next time.

Many years ago, when I was in grad school in Tucson, I decided for the second time in my life to seek mental health help. Because I was having an insane amount of trouble grocery shopping. I was also having issues with depression and alcohol, and those really took the forefront of the two free counseling sessions I had as a student. After I told her I was having a horrible time grocery shopping by myself for myself, basically her advice was to make a list. I’m not sure how much of my problems I explained to her, and in what way. I wouldn’t have used the words “anxiety,” or “panic.” I really knew very little about these things at the time. Shameful for a grad student really. Mental health was still very much stigmatized back then.

My upstairs neighbor offered me a Xanax one night. My thoughts were “I don’t want to be like him.” Unable to leave the house without Xanax. But I also recognized that in a way he was me, and I was already him. I accepted a flaming Dr. Pepper instead. Chock full’o Bacardi 151. According to this article it is now unavailable. Not sure I would go hunting for it after that night anyway. The positive that came out of that night was a very successful short piece of writing that had a “very effective movement scene.”

https://mixthatdrink.com/flaming-dr-pepper/

(*Image credit to mixthatdrink.com)

Anyway, there will be no flaming Dr. Pepper’s tonight. Planning on avoiding shots because I do still want to make it home.

I now have 14 minutes before I have to start getting ready. And I’m two cans of margaritas in. I’m at the point where I am taking deep breaths, and starting the positive self-talk that will hopefully get me to my friend’s apartment on time. All the while, knowing how ridiculous it is to be this way.

So, it’s been a few weeks, but one day, after dropping off the kids at school on an especially rough morning, I convinced myself that I deserved a McDonald’s breakfast for all that hard work. Mental and physical. I deserved it dammit. I was going to do it. McDonald’s breakfast. Running up and down the stairs twelve times to get my oldest up, and having to flip shit to get the youngest to dress himself, and the middle boy to put on that one.last.sock he’d been holding for twenty minutes… and the five outfit changes for my daughter, as well as scouring her bedroom for a pair of gloves (in 70 degree weather mind you) that she can’t leave home without… the least I deserve is a cheap McDonald’s breakfast.

Just as I enter the parking lot for the McDonald’s closest to me, hoping that their McCafe fancy coffee machine is working (it’s been a crapshoot the past few months) because I need a mocha on top of everything, I see cones blocking the drive-thru and construction workers there at the ordering spot. I panic. As soon as I am in the parking lot, I am turned around and leaving. I don’t even attempt to figure out what’s going on and whether I can still order there - I’m out.

As I’m driving to the second closest McDonald’s, I’m berating myself. WTF?? Why didn’t you even check it out? Maybe drive by to see what is up and where you can order? Why are you driving all the way to the next McDonald’s?? That one sucks! It’s always 7 cars deep, when there’s never more than one car in front of this one on the outskirts of town… What kind of person totally fucking panics when there is something different at the drive-thru? It was just cones! Maybe they were taking orders at the first window. It wasn’t necessary to panic and bail. at all.

Guess what? I routinely panic at the drive-thru. Unless I’m drunk, and then I’m totally relaxed enough to order shit that’s not even on the menu. “You don’t have margaritas here? Why not? Maybe you should!” Don’t ask my sister about other things I’ve ordered.

When I pull up to that speaker, I feel all sorts of pressure. And I panic. I totally order shit I don’t intend to order. I need to know what I, and everyone else I’m ordering for, is getting before I get to the speaker. I can’t be trusted with what I come home with otherwise. God forbid they are out of something and I have to pick something different. Don’t ask how many times I’ve been stuck eating something I really don’t even like because of that pressure at the drive thru to just order something quick!

A couple of days ago the kids were bugging me for McDonald’s. I’m on a pretty strict budget, and if I let them order regular meals it’s a good $30. If I let them order whatever they want it’s more like $50 because they will add shakes. So, I finally relented and said we could get “cheap” McDonald’s, which is just burgers (nuggets for my daughter) and fries! Well, my youngest talked me into a Happy Meal, and my daughter as well… so those two were getting happy meals with the rest of us getting burgers and fries. My 9 year old overheard me asking my daughter if she wanted a Sprite or a chocolate milk with her happy meal and all hell broke loose two minutes before we were at the ordering window. My 9 year old asked why he couldn’t get a Sprite too… So, when we got to the speaker, I decided “fuck it,” I don’t want to do math and all that right now, and the double cheeseburger or two cheeseburger meals are probably cheaper than getting 2-3 orders of large fries…. So, I ordered the cheeseburger meals and got my 9 year old a Sprite. Then he freaked out when we were parked in #2 waiting for our food to come out because he apparently hates Sprite, and hates Coke, so he wouldn’t switch with me. When the guy came to deliver our food, I asked politely if he wouldn’t mind switching the drink for a Dr. Pepper. Not the flaming kind. We were also short the extra happy meal toy the 9 year old required… So, as he’s swapping the drink and getting the toy, I discover that we were shorted an order of fries. Not ideal. I do not want to ask this poor boy to go back and get something yet again, especially after he was so nice to swap out the drink for my kid who can’t make his mind up about what he wants… But I ask super politely because I did pay for the meals, and didn’t want to suffer with no fries because that’s part of the whole McDonald’s joy. That poor boy sent someone else out with the missing fries. I could tell he was tired. I felt bad.

Panic at the drive-thru is no fun. I’m just hoping that I can get enough of a handle on it at some point that I no longer end up ordering things I don’t really set out to order.

Now, I’m 20 minutes past getting ready time, so I need to hurry on top of everything else!

Stay tuned because I may write about the whole Depeche Mode knock off band experience!