I Don't Even Know.
Some good, but mostly bad...
I feel like I have been running nonstop since January. I’ve also been essentially floundering and at a loss for what to do. Most days, it all feels too complex. Some days it seems like it might be easy. But then, the easy route also relies on acting upon things and/or doing the things. And most days, I am so bogged down with the necessities of daily living that I don’t have room on my overflowing plate to possibly add one more thing.
The last week of February/first week of March was one of the most challenging weeks ever. That week I had 24 of the 25 PT conferences for this semester… Monday was just one, and the rest were between Tuesday and Thursday. Monday night at 8 pm, the owner of the house I rent texted me to say that he is selling the house and wanted to send a realtor through on Wednesday. Pffffttttt…… He said he will try to find an investor to keep the house as a rental, but there is no guarantee that will happen. To say that I was floored would be an understatement. I told him I would need at least a week to get the place looking better for a realtor to come through. My sister has been here helping me clean for the past two weeks (this is week 3!). I haven’t heard back from the owner, and I’m afraid to text him.
I don’t have much security in my life, and the one thing that felt secure to me was my housing. I can’t even begin to think about having to move. We’ve been here for five years. The owner stressed that he wanted and valued long-term renters. We were in it for the long haul. My financial and physical ability to move are nonexistent. I won’t be able to come up with a deposit. That’s even if I can find a house that accepts rental assistance within my allotted amount. This area is experiencing a shortage of rentals that accept section 8, as well as a rise in the homeless population. A local news channel (KWQC) is currently doing a series on this. The first in the series aired this past week: “No Place to Call Home: The crisis.” Moving is an expense that I won’t be able to afford (on top of a deposit).
I’ve been jolting awake between 1 am and 2 am every night, having panic attacks and being unable to get back to sleep for an hour or two (or more).
Tuesday, in the midst of Google Meet PT conferences, the copyeditor working with the Quad Cities Beer book manuscript sent over the copyedits, which we had to review, make any changes, etc… within seven days. I was up until pretty damn late the night before they were due, working on the edits, changes, and addressing questions.
In the meantime, (starting Wednesday, 3/1), I have been paying my sister (who has been laid off from her construction job) to come and help me clean the house so that a realtor can come through. This has been A LOT. We have worked at least four days a week, 5+ hours daily. For two and a half weeks now! I let things get out of control. It was easy. Between depression, ADHD, med issues, divorce and custody issues, and chronic fatigue, I could barely do absolute necessities for the better of two years. The kids’ rooms got bad. My room got bad (one of the kids was using it while doing online school during the year of online schooling). The kitchen got bad. The living room god bad… etc… I had to let everything slide in order to be able to do the essential things.
But, today, the kids’ rooms are clean - they kept them clean over the last week while they were home. I have completely outlawed food or drink from being taken into any bedroom. ALL of the eating and drinking needs to be done in the kitchen. I checked up on them and their rooms every day. That is something I will have to keep up with. I sat with my daughter, who has executive functioning issues, and I helped her unpack from her week at her dad’s, and then helped her pack and make sure her room was clean when she left. This is a lot of extra work, but I must do it. I don’t have the energy for it, but I have to.
Another thing is that I need to do something about my financial situation. I made an entire $11,455 last year. It seems easy enough to just go get a job somewhere. Everywhere is hiring. But, on the weeks that I have the kids (50% shared custody because Iowa is a fucked up state that grants the father 50% unless he’s a pedophile or major criminal), I have to physically take them to school in a neighboring district, so I can only work between 9 am - 2 pm. I mean, I could have them walk to their dad’s after school and pick them up later (at least by 5?). But, the few places that I have applied to have specific shift hours, and the hours don’t jive, even if I wait to pick them up later.
I’ve thought about trying to make a living writing/editing from home. I would love to be able to do that. But, I need time to search through the information I have about how to do that. And some of the avenues require paid subscriptions to access available jobs. And then there’s also the time commitment, deadlines, and whatever else is involved with earning a living writing.
I considered visiting a couple of the local breweries that don’t post much on their social media and offering to work for them doing that. But, I would probably have to put together some kind of information package and convince them that they need someone to do that for them. I’ve also considered checking to see if they had anything I could do to work for them with my limited hours - like someone to spend a few hours a few days a week canning or bartending. I have no experience in bartending, but I would definitely love to learn. I may go visiting and checking with some over the next week.
The other thing I have is a substitute teaching certification. That was my plan for leaving my ex and being able to support my children. The Davenport School District pays around $120 per day. It seems ideal because I could potentially work just every other week. I would be able to choose when and where I work. But, at this point, there’s only a couple of months left of the school year, and the application process is like an entire day, if not more… I think I may go for this - if I manage to have a day that I’m not busy doing a million other things!
I just don’t know wtf I should do at this point.
I’m open to suggestions and input!