Hello it’s Been a While

Not much, how bout you?

Photo by Walter Brunner on Unsplash

I’ve been absent. It’s been almost three months now!! The longer it got, the harder it became for me to write anything. Anything that I thought people would want to read. It’s kind of funny because I saw one other writer going through similar - a local writer that I know. He discusses writer’s block, procrastination, and imposter syndrome.

The curse of the writer

While I have not yet joined the Iowa Writer’s Collaborative, I have been slowly picking up new subscribers through Scribente Maternum and through interactions with other Substacks that I read and engage with. With every new subscriber, I felt pressure. Pressure to publish, pressure to make it good. The unnecessary pressure I put on myself contributes to both writer’s block and imposter syndrome. I don’t have the typical writer’s block, but it’s the pressure-induced kind. I have been writing this whole time, abandoning drafts and starting new ones. Because they aren’t “good enough,” or I don’t think it will resonate with others, or I have written into a place I didn’t want to go, or I have way too much explanation of something that others would definitely find boring.

At the end of February, I had been working on a piece for a week or longer that was turning into a corner, and I wasn’t happy with where it was going. I had to take a break from it and write an essay for a local 24-hour writing contest. At that point, I was being the MOST self-critical about my writing and wondering if I should even continue, but also kind of wondering if maybe I should up my writing game and start pursuing getting more pieces published. Then, I won first place in the nonfiction category for that contest! If that wasn’t a sign… But, that was about the time that I had to start focusing on other things. A lot of them. (I will probably do some work on the essay and try to get it published somewhere after several people have told me I should. But, if you want to read it - the prompt is the title “You Won’t Tell Folks What You Fear Any of this Says About You.”)

Things have been a whirlwind for me since my oldest applied and got accepted to Iowa State in March. It was a lot of paperwork and a lot of emailing offices to help with the application cost and the acceptance fees. Thankfully, they were able to roll those into his university bill, and he can pay them when he gets financial aid.

The financial aid part is a whole thing, too. He was a little late with his decision to apply, so he missed deadlines for quite a few scholarships. As it stands now, as long as I apply for the parent plus loan, he will be within $1 of the estimated cost of attendance. And I can’t remember if that includes the “non-billable” costs of transportation and personal expenses. I’m hoping to still be able to find some scholarships he can apply for.

Regardless, there is so much of that work to be done now! Housing contract, registering for orientation, and registering for classes. There are daily emails and letters in the mail. And the kid is like me - a procrastinator! But, also, having to do all of this stuff at the same time as concentrating on all the finishing high school stuff was too much for either of us.

Can I just say - that I was never remotely prepared for how his graduating and planning on going to college was going to hit me in the feels?

Doing his photo boards was a lot. Just to see his whole childhood spread out like that. Like I could see all of my mistakes and regrets. Prior to getting together with my sister to do the photoboards I was stuck on questioning my parenting and whether I truly did my best, whether I did good, whether I did the right things or failed miserably. I did a lot of work in therapy addressing these issues over the past couple of months.

I also need to interject that my youngest sister is a godsend. We did a combined party because her oldest is also graduating. To say that I have been nonfunctioning since about mid-March would be an understatement. She made sure we did all the things and got everything done in a timely fashion so that everything was ready the week before the party. She even mined my Facebook for pictures after she had been asking me to have some printed for weeks. I’m so grateful and indebted to her.

The graduation party was a hit! We had a local food truck provide the food, so there was less we had to do during the party, and they were amazing!! Shout out to Lopiez!

The Lopiez pizza truck with the two graduates!

Now that we are at least on the other side of graduation - prom, graduation party, and all that went along with graduating, I can at least breathe a little and have less to focus on all at once.

Just after graduation! If you want to send him a gift, his Venmo is @Duncan-DeMarr hahaha!! I only spent two+ hours trying to get him to set it up. He didn’t want to because he said he didn’t want to ask people for money. I was like dude! It was a whole thing LOL!

Aside from all of that stuff going on, I had major car issues going on. They really started in December, and I was praying every day that they would hold off until I got my tax refund. Then, after having $1800 worth of repairs done in February and March, and waiting on another $800 for more to be done, something catastrophic happened. That was going to be a minimum of $1000… One of my very best friends helped me trade it in. Not only did she sit with me for over 12 hours across 3 days in car dealerships, but she also co-signed for me so I could get the payments closer to where I needed them. I’m so incredibly grateful. The car issue was pretty much front and center when my oldest got accepted to Iowa State, which is 3 hours away. Without a car that would make it on the highways back and forth, it would have been impossible to get him there or visit him, pick him up for a weekend here and there…etc…

And because I can’t ever manage to have just a few things to focus on, I ended up doing articles for the local paper a couple of times, and then they contacted me the week of graduation to see if I could do a short notice insert for the paper that was 101 Things to Do This Summer… due Friday. Of course, I’m not going to turn down an opportunity to make some extra money, so I managed to get it done and in by noon on Friday. If you are local, snag a Sunday paper on June 9th and check out the insert!

Also, the house we rent was re-sided on Thursday and Friday. Sure, I didn’t have to be there, but their trucks took up the driveway on days where we were in and out quite a bit, having to navigate between their scaffolding, materials, piles of old siding, etc…and stuff was flying off my walls. Hahahaha!! It was a bit much, but also right on par for what is my life.

So that’s the short story of what has been going on with me and mine!

I will leave you with a favorite recent tune. My youngest sister was playing the local alternative station when this song came on - which is super catchy and one of my favorites. She said it was one of her and her husband’s favorites right now too. Then she blew my mind when she said this is Steve from Stranger Things!! What??!!