Hello and Goodbye to December!
This year went by too quickly and too slowly at the same time.
December has felt like three months. Or longer. Yet it passed within the blink of an eye.
I don’t even know how it is December already. Let alone almost 2022.
The last thing I remember, it was October and I was upset that the stores were putting out Christmas stuff before Halloween!
I think I even heard the first Christmas song before November…
I started my underemployment around July or August.
Around October, seeing Xmas stuff out already - I got a pit in my stomach.
You know the one… that pangy one that alerts you to danger and bad times coming ahead!
The five-week course I began teaching on October 19th, finished on November 28th, and my last paycheck was December 3rd.
I’ve spent the entire month just full of anxiety and dread.
I’m lucky that I do get child support around the 7th of each month, and the child tax credit has been an absolute blessing and necessity!
December was truly not my month.
Nor was November, or October for that matter.
2021 started and ended the same way. With anxiety, depression, fatigue… It’s been a hell of a year.
I know I am not the only one who is feeling this way.
I plan on doing more of a “year in review” post before the first.
Things aren’t really ending the year out on a downhill slide. I have had a lot of wonderful help this past month, and a lot of good things have come out of discussing my inabilities. My mother and I have formed a closer bond than ever before. I know exactly where a lot of my issues came from! LOL!!! But, the good side of all that is that I have a great understanding of her and what she is and isn’t able to do and can empathize. We have come to lean on each other a lot over the past month through our anxieties, panic attacks, and inabilities to do the stuff.
The stuff is hard people!
It all requires baby steps.
I desperately need to do my dishes. My therapist told me that instead of doing ALL of the dishes, do what you can for 15 minutes. Even if you have to do 2 minutes, or even just 2 dishes. It’s something and its progress. I’ve been using that theory for the past couple of months. Dishes are an overwhelming task for me (as well as unending). My perfectionism and desire to complete a task cause me to easily feel overwhelmed and not know where to start or how best to tackle something.
I started making myself task lists. Baby steps. If I completed a task that wasn’t on the list, I would put it on the list just to scratch it off. But I would break down each “task” into its smallest pieces. It was validating to see items scratched off! I felt like I was doing the things. While I never got every task crossed off, and many tasks would get rewritten on the following day (several days in a row sometimes), it was a place where I could visibly see that I was doing things. At the beginning of this month, I downloaded an app that was supposed to do similar, but in a game fashion where you win awards and level up and stuff… It’s definitely not as validating because I still don’t really get it all LOL. So, I’m going back to my physical lists - starting tomorrow because I like to procrastinate.
The panic and anxiety leading up to Christmas (that really hit an all-time high on Xmas Eve and Xmas day while getting all the last minute stuff done before my kids got home) turned into some relief on Xmas Eve, and then Xmas Day after the kids opened all their gifts and were happy, there was more relief.
I deflated onto the couch, where I have been since Xmas day.
On Xmas day we had a movie night and watched Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. I’ve been just wading through the popcorn spillage in the living room since. I took them to their dad’s on Sunday.
This week I watched Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2020). So, now we are officially caught up on the Marvel films (they had already seen Venom 2 at their dad’s). I took them to see Spiderman: No Way Home (2021) the week before Xmas since I had 5 ticket credits saved up when everything closed in 2020. That was also a bit anxiety/panic-inducing as after I redeemed the ticket credits (like a week or two prior) the news was that Covid was at its worst since the beginning and hospitals were overfull… We masked up and didn’t eat or drink in the theatre…. I also booked the first row behind the handicapped row, so no one was in front of us, and the theatre rows are actually more spaced out than I remember. Still, I was kicking myself for being risky just before Christmas. Thankfully, no one got sick (all of us are fully vaccinated).
Monday and Tuesday I binge-watched The Witcher season 2. I had started last week, but only made it through the first episode with everything else going on. OMG, if you haven’t seen it, it’s a MUST!! Season 2 was awesome, and I can’t wait for Season 3!!! I may have to get the book series because I don’t know if I can wait another year to see where things go.
I also attempted THREE TIMES to watch Don’t Look Up (2021) and fell asleep each time. I’m going to say it’s a wash and give it up. Critics didn’t like it much, and I don’t know how long I can tolerate Jennifer Lawrence’s mullet… It’s awful.
I had planned on spending my break writing, but obviously, my mental state had other plans. I’m crawling back into it here today. Limping maybe? I am getting older.
Watch for my year in review within the next couple of days.
I may also have a New Year’s Resolution this year!! Hahahaha. Probably not. I’ve only ever made one once. That year I had an infant and two toddlers. We basically stayed in jammies all day. I would change them into new jammies at night… I resolved to get them and myself dressed every day (yes that was depression back then that kept us in jammies all day). That lasted one day. They were confused and kept asking where we were going and didn’t believe we weren’t going anywhere since they had gotten dressed!
I hope you all are having a happy holiday season!